learning to listen to your emotions
What am I feeling?
Sometimes it is hard to put words to it. Actually, most times it is hard to put words to it.
When you are stressed, angry, sad, or happy, how do you know what that feeling even is?
When we don’t understand what we’re feeling, it can be harder to know how to respond.
With clearer understanding of what we are feeling, we can find better ways to respond.
Curiosity is key.
Be curious about what you are feeling. Ask yourself;
- What am I feeling?
- How am I experiencing this emotion?
- In what ways is this feeling showing up for me physically?
- What does this feeling need me to pay attention to?
Understanding your emotions is a good first step.
Now that we’ve begun to understand what we are feeling, how do we respond?
Sometimes it can feel as if our emotions take over.
What can help us to navigate in those times is to think of our brain in two distinct ways, the emotional mind and the reasonable mind.
The emotional mind is purely how we feel, and the reactions that stem from it.
While the reasonable mind is more facts and logic based.
Though we each have access to both sides, we can tend to favor one side over the other.
This is where “wise mind” (a Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) approach) comes into play.
Wise mind is the balance of both the emotional and reasonable mind
To break it down, the emotional mind tells us what matters to us. The reasonable mind helps us consider facts, consequences, and options. Wise mind integrates the two.
When faced with a difficult situation, it can help to pause, validate how you feel, and consider the facts before deciding how to respond.
For example: Your friends make plans and did not include you
Our emotional mind can experience feelings that are strong and intense and we may interpret the situation through the lens of those emotions. We may think…
“They don’t care”
“I am going to ignore them”
These initial thoughts may come from feeling hurt, rejected, or disappointed. Your feelings are real and deserve acknowledgment. However, when we respond immediately from an Emotional Mind, we may make assumptions or react in a way we later regret.
Interpreting this same event with our reasonable mind may sound something like…
“I don’t need to be invited to everything”
“This does not say anything about my value in the friendship”
These thoughts can help us pause and take a step back to look at the situation more objectively.
Though it is helpful, it is not a replacement for the emotional mind. If we were to view our situation through a purely logically lens it can cause us to dismiss our emotional experience.
We may tell ourselves that we shouldn’t be hurt simply because there is a logical explanation.
This is where Wise Mind comes in.
Wise Mind allows us to recognize that our feelings and the facts can both exist at the same time. It just takes a bit of effort and practice in choosing how we respond.
Our wise mind would tell us:
“I am hurt and disappointed that I was not included. What I am feeling is valid. I do not want to lash out, instead I will take some time to process how I am feeling then talk to them”
Using wise mind is not used to invalidate or take away emotion, it is to create a better response to how we feel.
Next time you are feeling something deeply, take a moment to pause, reflect, be curious and use your wise mind in response.
Remember the steps:
Ask yourself: What am I feeling?
Pause.
Breathe.
Be curious about your feelings and validate them.
Pause.
Breathe.
Then ask: what are the facts?
Pause again and consider how you want to respond.
You did it. You’re practicing Wise Mind.
Written by Kristiana Guzman, LMFT #152965
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist at Tala Mental Health
READ & LEAVE A COMMENT
SHARE: